Shared from the 9/30/2018 The Wenatchee World eEdition

The chromosome factor

No country for old men

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Someone suggested I stick to things I know about and that women may not be on the list. Fair enough. This one is for the guys. That’s right, fellas, I’m talking about you. Stand up. Put your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of because...well...you were born this way. It’s not your fault. With all the “shaming” and “isms” flying around, I can see where you might want to fly under the radar. It’s tough being a man these days. Even tougher being an old man. Trust me. Most of you are probably good and decent men. You work hard to help support your family, mow the lawn on the weekends so you can watch football on Sundays, wash the cars, take your kids to school and coach their teams and protect those who need protecting. Some of you even served on the battlefield so others can walk the streets with signs with clever slogans. “I’VE UPPED MY STANDARDS, UP YOURS!!” Sometimes, you even go to the mall and pretend to have a good time. Every once in awhile, there is a short circuit, which is why my wife would put little Sticky Notes all over the house asking me if I’ve “heard from my brain lately.” My wife had to have a good sense of humor because I would do odd things. One night, I put a bark collar around my neck and barked, just to see if it worked. She and my daughter just looked at one another and nodded. They didn’t understand that I was just trying to protect our dog. Lots of men love animals just as much as women do. Some even like cats. It wasn’t easy living with me because my brain would stop working at least 10 minutes every day. It’s something to do with chromosomes. The X ones get all mixed up with the Y ones and the blood to your brain stops flowing the way blood is supposed to flow to your brain, affecting your cognitive skills, or ability to make good decisions. I know...science is hard. During those moments you forget things and, for some reason, have a tough time saying “No.” It just won’t come out of your mouth. “Would you like another beer?” “Hmmmmm..Nah...I mean yes please.” You don’t mean to leave the toilet seat up. It’s just hard to multi-task when the blood isn’t flowing correctly. And before you’re even finished, your mind has moved onto the next thing, mostly having to do with food. Researchers have determined that men spend 20 minutes every day staring into the refrigerator with the door open. We know it lets the cold air out. We’re not stupid. It just takes us 15 minutes to scan the shelves and another five to make up our minds. We also know we’re not supposed to drink from the carton, but we just want a sip, not a whole glass. Why is that so difficult to understand? Most of us are nice guys. By percentage, there are probably as many good men as there are good women, which is why the system seems to work and why we need more pediatricians. We respect everyone who deserves our respect. We are polite. We know that “no means no” and don’t mean to offend women when we open the door for them, or stand when they leave the table, or walk closest to the street so they don’t get hit by a truck. Our fathers taught us those things when we were young and good habits are hard to break. We are also tired of being punished for the sins of others. Most of us don’t have sex with interns in the Oval Office, or pay strippers, or force women to have sex in exchange for jobs, or post pictures of our private parts on the Internet. I know...some of you are conservative and voted for Trump (55 percent of you in Chelan County, 63 percent in Douglas County) and shoot guns and kill animals (and fish) for sport...and therefore..by default...are the real enemy today. You must be a racist and sexist and just plain ignorant to have voted for Trump and not Hillary in 2016. In fact, a secret Facebook group is working hard to marginalize you. They say your days are numbered, so you may want to create your own secret group and work to remain, “Indivisible.” It’s ok. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to hide. You did nothing wrong. There is no law against any of that, no matter what they scream. It’s why we have safe places. We should all have a safe place that doesn’t have a toilet, where most of us currently go to hide. It’s one of the only doors in the house with a lock, thank goodness. In the absence of a group “man hug,” stick together. Give a brother a hand. Be proud to be a man and...more important...behave like one.

Jeff Ackerman can be reached at 665-1160 or at ackerman@wenatcheeworld.com.

By percentage, there are probably as many good men as there are good women, which is why the system seems to work and why we need more pediatricians.

See this article in the e-Edition Here